Etch

Although he came from further South,

They called him North, and in his wake

He left a swathe of longing ache

In many a grasping paw and mouth.

This North, he looked to carve his name

Into the cheek of restaurant fame.

 

He opened shop and whipped up funky

Things for diners with some nous;

The Ocean Trout was pride of house,

And one could tell there was no monkey-

Business round back kitchen-side,

Such was this dish’s verve and pride

 

In colour, spark and allergens.

For those not fruits-de-mer inclined,

A slash of glazed Pork Belly rind

Might well suffice to make amends

(As long as one’s cholesterol

Could manage to ingest it all);

 

To ease one’s guilt? Lasagne armed with

Soft, wet, gold, irrupting yolk.

“It may be meat-free,” say some folk,

“But call it healthy? That‘s some myth

To rival that apocrypha

About the Ninja’s skirt and bra…”

 

But that’s a tale for adult ears:

This review must stay innocent!

Much like ninjas when they’ve bent

Too many people round their spears

Whilst fighting for the last Date Tart

Or Cheesecake broken down to parts

 

Of gooey, crispy, old-school soma

Much like reality TV

Upon whose stage you’ll often see

Our head chef North, whose screen persona

Quite resembles Fruity Jubes -

Refreshing, tangy, comes in tubes,

 

Goes well with wine or Matt Moran.

Although the bittersweet blood-orange

Offends the uncouth palates of my minions as much as I’m offended by the lack of words rhyming with orange,

We leave with tastes more sated than

A zombie in a crowded mall.

And so we might say, all in all,

 

That North did etch his name quite well

Into this band of brothers’ hearts

With little pomp, with no false starts

Which otherwise might oversell

his fame. There’s really nought to whinge a-

bout for this reviewer-ninja.

 

SCORECARD (scores out of 10 unless otherwise stated)

Service: Effusive

Hen-themed props: 9.5

Minutes spent waiting for guests to arrive without any remarks from staff: 55

Confit Petona ocean trout, smoked scallop, radish, wasabi

Caramelised pork belly, crispy prawns, pickled Granny Smith, cider vinaigrette

Burnt spinach lasagne, local asparagus, slow-cooked egg, parmesan flakey things

Fried potatoes and prosciutto, the Ninja’s pick for Cardiac WInfarction

Caramel date tart, Early Grey tea syrup, burnt-butter ice-cream

Brilliat Savarin cheesecake, Champagne, mandarin sorbet

Market fruits (blood-orange and pineapple): jubes, gels, sorbets

Etch

Location: Intercontinental Sydney, 62 Bridge St Sydney NSW 2000

Taste-type: Contemporary Aussie

Price: Entrées $20-25; Mains $34-36; Desserts $16

How to get there: Train or bus to Circular Quay, then loop around to the East and walk up the hill towards the Museum of Sydney. Hotel Intercontinental is on the Eastern side of the road, towards the Conservatorium.

Contact: 02-9247-4777

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