Location: 305 Lygon St, Carlton VIC 3053
Taste-Type: Italian
Price: Schiaffatelle $15.90, Tortellini Tartuffe $16.90, Veal Scallopini $21.90
How to get there: Tram or bus to the start of Lygon St (the 555 Tourist Tram gets you quite close), then a leisurely stroll down Lygon St. Pick up some gelato on the way back.
Contact: 03-93470911
I must confess…
I did not mean to dismember the bicycle.
My team has spent the day window-shopping in the bohemian-trashy op-shops and boutiques of Brunswick Street, picking up various items of apparel and accessory to add to their inventories. I have been unable to find any suitable weapons, utilities, or obscenely cute souvenirs, and as a result am rather irritated with the whole endeavour. Apart from accidental mechanical dismemberment, the best cure for irritability is any copious quantity of food, so I direct the team to nearby Lygon Street and its grungy bastion of Italian restaurants that command acclaim and fame worldwide.
Tiamo 2’s varnished wooden panelling and backlit alcoves bear more than just affability and refinement, with quirky touches spread here and there around the two-storey restaurant. We bid good afternoon to the jolly patchwork frog which guards the counter before being challenged by a bowl of water and a lemon. Tiamo 2 offers a free pizza to any who can balance a coin upon the lemon, which bobs seductively in the water like Helen in Menelaus’ boat.
Lennycakes tests his skill with many a piece of our disposable income, but the objective – keeping the coin on the lemon for ten seconds – remains elusive. I ask whether slicing the lemon into perfect sevenths in midair using nothing but my index finger will get me a free pizza, but the staff inform me that this is against the rules and is cruel to lemons.
We order. Brian does not like his Schiaffatelle, a lighter version of gnocchi, nothing the dolorous weight of the pasta and taking offence at the blandness of the sauce. I myself believe the sauce’s slight citrus taste to be rather refreshing, but am also somewhat disappointed at the heaviness of the pasta and the lack of generosity in the ingredients.
Tangy and I are easily seduced by the Tortellini Tartuffe, the cream sauce of which is silky-smooth and unusually – although not unpleasantly – soupy. While a seedy membrane has formed over the soup (I suspect the dish has been left to cool for too long), this does little to detract from the fluffy tortellini and its potato interior, which are light enough for us to avoid the cloying palpitations which usually accompany such rich dishes.
Lennycakes’ order of the Veal Scallopini is a clear winner: the veal provides little resistance to each wakizashi incision and has been finely crumbed to produce a sultry golden-brown hue. The star of the dish is the pesto sauce which resembles a magma of radioactive sludge but is superior in taste, swimming with smooth piquant streaks of oregano, basil, and other mystery ingredients. Each bite of the dish has a homely poignant aftertaste which conjures up memories of now-endangered old-Italian trattorias. I would cry in homage except my tear ducts have been sealed with plates of lead.
We leave with full bellies and rejuvenated muscles, ready to carry out our next mission which involves fire-arrows and a substandard adaption of Mozart’s opera. I am tempted to leave a tip, but the promise of good karma sends me sprinting for the door.
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
I ate here years and years ago on a trip to Melbourne – good to see it’s still there in amongst the competition that is Lygon Street!
Which coin can u use or do you get to choose? And I am curious about which opera it is in ur next mission
Are you sure that you did not eat the bicycle? For surely real ninjas don’t eat tortellini…
Ah, the lemon is a loser’s game. I don’t think it’s possible to succeed without modifying the circumstances.
Regardless of what you’ve stated, only the last one to me actually looks like it’d taste any good. How are the prices like there?
brilliant review. loved it, brought back amazing memories <3 love melbourne. ….
.. biggest mistake of my life
@mlle: It is!
@FFIchiban: 5c, 10c, 50c, tried basically everything short of a gold coin. More on that mission to follow…
@Simon: Prices aren’t too bad, around $15-20 per dish and the servings are quite generous. The tortellini shot is underexposed I’d be the first to admit it (besides my shooter) – it’s not the most conventional of Italian fare, I would agree. But I’ve seen a lot of really substandard stuff down Lygon St too.
@Helen: it was metallic and delicious.
haha i love a balancing challenge! how many tries did you guys do?
Next time take a tube of super glue for the balancing challenge!