Season’s Bleedings, Part 1: Foodblogger Christmas Picnic

We are not amongst enemies, but my shooter and I sneak in from the treetops just because we can.

Thanks to the Herculean efforts of Helen and Suze, a convocation of Sydney’s fifty-odd food bloggers is taking place in Hyde Park and has attracted much unwanted attention from pedestrians and two-bit mercenaries. I have been called in as both a “food blogger” (although the term has a quashingly trendy ring to it) and a professional of the much-celebrated Old School: as always, my shooter and I are looking forward to sampling some prize degustationary offerings with a little slaying on the side.The innumerable fifty-odd dishes seem to lap at our feet, crowding in and jostling for our attention like eager puppies menacing a lame duckling in a spring meadow. The heat tugs us this way and that, steering us hither and thither through conversations that hum with constrained anticipation like train tracks in the dour umbra of a tunnel. I take mince pies and fairy bread aplenty to sustain myself and the army of body-doubles I have situated around the park, while my shooter lunches on some Melting Moments and picks off the odd pedestrian at his leisure.

Particular standouts for me include Suze’s Childhood Favourites Tree (a platter of nostalgia-inducing fairy bread, chocolate crackles, and those honey-cornflake crunchy things which cost virtually nothing at the canteen), Billy’s flagrantly popular slow-cooked pork (top left) and Ellie’s dainty duck-crisp-puff-cup-things (bottom left). My shooter and I deliver a platter of fine sushi from Makoto Chatswood and watch in agony as the best cuts of scallop, salmon belly and tuna disappear in seconds. My shooter is aghast when I use Pickpocket Technique #298 (Blatant Grab) to take possession of the lone salmon-roe nigiri in the platter.

Under the rigour of the summer sun we partake in games that include the ubiquitious Kris Kringle, pinning explosive notes on the backs of oblivious victims, and crooning at Billy’s attack-dog. The attack-dog does not take kindly to my shooter’s advanced weaponry but backs down after I demonstrate my superior arsenal of Cool But Ultimately Useless Tricks. Karen gleefully claims our Kris Kringle offering, not knowing that Lord Vader’s bobblehead in fact contains remote-operated ordnance including two cruise missiles.

There is no substitute for other people, not even for a titanium-hearted ninja. I feel at once involved yet strangely detached, as though watching myself watch my body-doubles from a high-above location. Stories take shape, fizzle, then sprout anew as fifty-odd people – seemingly alike yet astonishingly unique in almost every facet – share their combined passion and, in doing so, a little of themselves as well. For a moment I almost believe in the Christmas spirit, that unifying bond of soul and humour which we all seek with some part of ourselves.

But fear not! The feeling is replaced by smug satisfaction as I realise that I have doubled my previous record for Most Two-Bit Mercenaries Humiliated in a single outing. My shooter and I take to the streets with expectant glee for the bruising festivities yet to come, sticking a final explosive note on our victim’s back as we depart.

Dear minions, how do you celebrate Christmas? Do you revel in the festivities, or are you (like the Ninja) somewhat cynical towards the season’s proceedings?

Tags: billy's dog, christmas, christmas party, christmas spirit, food bloggers, food bloggers christmas party, kill tally, mercenaries, nuffnang christmas part, nuffnang food bloggers, yas nakano