It is quiet.
Not too quiet, as a badly-commissioned scriptwriter with a penchant for melodrama might suggest, but still quiet enough to unnerve mere mortals. Barely a soul stirs in the rainslushed pavillion of Martin Place, save for a few seagulls and errant tourists who creep here and there with sullenness in their eyes. I like it this way. My shooter is already huddled on the roof of the most advantageous skyscraper he can find, his strobe-traps and remote lenses already tested and in position. I trace my foot across the funeral-grey of the tiling stones, letting the rain trickle down my neck like a ghoul’s lonely fingers. A pigeon lands upon a flag and defecates. It is time.
In the backstreets of upmarket Sydney there exists an unnamed trattoria with a priceless secret. Their pastas and pizzas, for which the recipes have been passed down from father to son for fifty generations, are said to possess phenomenal healing and aphrodisiac qualities. Many would kill and have killed in a bid to know the secret, but none have succeeded. We have been hired to keep it so. I receive the parcel and directions according to plan. But as I sprint out of the trattoria and across the pavillion, my heels screech to a halt and I come to a grinding stop. For a second no-one moves. Then a single bullet whizzes forth and cuts through the casing around the parcel, revealing its contents to all. This is not in the plan.
A dish of fusilli slides across the marble cobblestones and immediately ten ronin lunge through the air. This is the legendary Meatball Napolitana, rumoured to turn stone into highly virile male models and give unsurpassable strength to its consumers. I send a shuriken scything round in an arc but one ronin survives and grabs at a tastily tender meatball. For a second I fear all is lost, but another bullet whips round and puts the ronin down. Unfortunately, the bullet is followed by a whole lot more, courtesy of the flood of mercenaries brandishing rifles and shotguns in my direction. I gulp down some juicily-sauced curls of pasta, flex my muscles in a testosterone-inspired pose, then rejoin the fray.
While I have been occupying myself with the pasta, a team of crack commandos has moved in on the pizza sample held in the parcel. I am too late to stop them each taking a large-sized bite out of the Super Supreme Pizza, and their wounds reseal faster than I can throw my shurikens. The mercenaries beat a hasty retreat as the commandos head for their helicopter, laying down heavy cover-fire as they carry the pizza away. Suddenly, a flash of blinding light sears through my eyes. A commando has set off one of my shooter’s strobe-traps; the light of the flash is bright enough to melt the rotor-blades of the helicopter. A second later, the remote lenses click into action, taking thousands of high-quality photos of the commando team within seconds. Unable to deny their presence on the battlefield, the commandos scream and turn to piles of ash. I air-five my shooter and take a bite of the pizza. The cheese is golden and stringy with a salty bite. The crust heals my wounds.
An hour later, the parcel has been rewrapped and delivered to its destination. My shooter and I return to the trattoria to receive our payment, congratulating each other on our victory. The rain has eased up and there is a freshness to the air which soothes my lungs and clears the heat from my eyes. We feel, in a word, legendary. Being paid minimum wage is, however, somewhat disappointing.
Pizza Hut
Location: Shop 6, 14 Martin Place, Sydney NSW 2000
Taste-Type: Pizza/Pasta
Price: Single-serve pasta $6.90, Large pizza $10.90
How to get there: Train or bus to Wynyard, or train to Martin Place.
Contact: 1300-PIZZA-HUT (1300-749-924)
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
lol! You had me fooled, damnit!
I may need some crust to heal my wounds…
HAHAHAHAAHA you made pizza hut so pretty!
muahaha =P
LOL to your tags. I suppose Pizza Hut would be ‘better in the bedroom’.
Your writing is inspiring. Food and ninjas, who would have known? ^___^
@Helen: What can I say? Ninjas win the day ; )
@Suze: Thank Alfred not me, he’s the magician : )
@Karen: Cheesy and meaty? Yes please.
@Chris: Thank you : ) One must have a day-job too, you know. My passion is ultimately food, but work seems to always get in the way.
got me fooled
Thumbs up!
@Henry: You’re in good company.
@The Original and the Guest: Thanks
omg! serious lollage!
Some seriously good looking photos too. Makes Pizza Hut look almost appetising.
Almost.
@Simon: Can you name any better Italian restaurant? ; D glad to inject some lollage.
go the Supreme. unbeatable