Location: 2/16-18 Bridge St, Epping NSW
Taste-Type: Contemporary Chinese
Price: Soft-Shell Crab $20, Banquet 1 $38pp (all dishes available separately on menu)
How to get there: Train or bus to Epping station, then cross the overpass to the Coles side. Follow Rowe Street up to the roundabout and take the left.
Contact: 02-98766838
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Tonight’s mission, the capture of a corrupt business official, is almost certain to take me away from any quality dining-fare. I have even prepared a packet of instant noodles and wasabi in anticipation of a quiet night in. However, the ingenious use of a geisha’s outfit and some Glad-Wrap allows me to secure the target in record time and I am able to head out for dinner.
Gwen’s (formerly known as Kenny’s) is somewhat of an institution in the Epping area, drawing large crowds into its high-modern arena of open-glass walls and varnished wooden slats. The place is dimly-lit and boasts an army of plush red chairs and wall-couches, somewhat reminiscent of my target’s brothel. My immediate concerns for the cuisine’s authenticity are not assuaged by the fact that all the Oriental waiters speak good English. However, head waiter Bill offers us free dishes, which is awesome. My camera likes him a lot.
Gwen’s is also home to twin mechanised samurai urns, often used by cowardly samurai as proxies in the Ninja Wars:
One of them, rather predictably, challenges me to a duel; I decline, saying its fighting skills have gone to pot. I justify this pun with a series of logically-progressing fully-cited dot points before the food arrives.
The Chilli Pepper Soft-Shell Crab, one of our free dishes, hits the table quickly but is somewhat average. The crab-meat itself is juicy-sweet and dissolves prettily in the mouth, but the batter is far too floury and lacks the necessary spice of the Singaporean Chilli Crab to which it alludes. The fried onion garnish has the texture of cardboard, albeit especially finely-cut cardboard. It provides a worthy challenge to my chopstick abilities, but is ultimately defeated.
The entrée of the banquet consists of a Spring Roll and Sesame Prawn Fan. The Spring Roll is springy. The Prawn Fan is fanny.
Gwen’s specialty is their Crispy Duck Pancake, a modern take on the age-old Chinese stereotype. The duck has a light texture and delicate taste but is far too dry; the pancake boasts an airy-fluffy but ultimately rather boring constitution. What holds this dish together is the sauce, a sweet-sour velvet which glues the other ingredients together in a finely synthesised whole. However, the sauce has been laid on by rather a miserly hand and this shortcoming is only compounded when I find a bone in my duck. I am not pleased.
The Seafood Combination tries hard but fails to deliver anything of superior standard. Although the fish and squid offer little resistance to the teeth, the sauce only waters down any taste within the dish. Even when I threaten it with a thousand cuts of my wakizashi, it continues to stew moodily in its soggy bath. It could learn from the Wok-Seared Diced Eye Fillet, another of Gwen’s flagship dishes:
This mix of tenderly petite beef cubes and silky pepper sauce is the best thing I encounter on the night. The black pepper is hot but not overpowering, while the honey base plays up the natural juices of the meat. It enjoins sweetness with pungency in a melting, prickly sensation akin to liquid fire. Like many such sensations, however, it goes cold prematurely and I am soon left with a globular morass which no-one else wants to eat.
I am usually a fan of fried ice-cream (especially of the green-tea variety, which is a ninja favourite around the globe). Thus I am all the more displeased with the substandard quality of Gwen’s dessert. The vanilla ice-cream is nice, as all ice-cream is; yet the crust of the ice-cream could barely be called that, resembling a damp tofu-skin rather than anything worthy of serving. Despite its elegant plating, the dish reminds me of a caramel-soaked octopus testicle.
At the end of the day, Gwen’s is comparable to its bowls of rice: fine décor and ambience do little to conceal the plainness of its cuisine. While there is some culinary fun to be had, it fails to justify the premium prices of the menu. I leave the restaurant with a full belly, but wishing I had gone with the noodles instead.
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
As regulars to Kenny’s and a great fan of Billy, we went to Gwen’s for dinner. Food was okay, nothing special, but we found Gwen to be an extremely surley and rude woman. Having shared my disappointment with friends on the subject, I was told they had experienced the same manner. She definately needs to take a leaf out of her Head Waiter’s book. Wake up Gwen, your food is not good enough to warrant your attitude!
Our family has been going to Gwen’s (Kenny’s) for over 6 years!. We have enjoyed their food great food; service is excellent, Bill is a great guy, Frank too! Have not met Gwen, so can not comment on what sarah has said, but the food and other staff are great, we are regulars there!
@Sarah: their food is not good enough. Period.
@Michael: Thank you for emphasising your status as regulars! Note that “cannot” is generally a single word; semicolons should be used to delineate a syntactical divide which does not result in a change of sense or topicality, as I have done in this sentence.
Will not be returning. Saw Gwen keep a piece of my friend’s birthday cake for herself n was told she does that almost everytime when someone brings a cake. Really disappointed about the service.
Epping-ites have been raving about Kenny’s and more recently Gwen’s for ages, and I must confess to having eaten there on many occasions. I have always maintained that it was, and still is, little more than your average Chinese cuisine and certainly not worth the price tag put on it.
Another gripe is that there are never any specials, nothing new on the menu, so if you are a frequent visitor you will be limited to the same fare each time – good if there was a signature dish worth turning up for, which there isn’t.
Kenny was the drawcard, I suspect it goes downhill from here.
Honest…but fair!
looks pretty westernised with all the anglo’s in the camera shots?