I am accused of being a Food Spy. At least according to one very reputable current affairs program, all food bloggers are guilty of culinary espionage, and should thus be summarily hung then drawn then sewn into Matt Preston’s pants. “Will Shinobi Valley release an official statement?” Not just yet; response from our team will be released in due course. But all must agree that threat of Food Spies is grave indeed: not only a threat to entire food industry but also to ninja families worldwide (dangerous source of competition for business). In fact, scouts recently uncovered Food Spy plot to take over one of Sydney’s restaurants. Took the mission myself and reserved a place amongst the Spies’ comrades in order to observe their machinations, then expose and defame in order to safeguard Shinobi Valley’s reputation. “War is won before the first spear is thrown” – Sun Tzu. A bloodless takedown would be optimal here.
Of course, things never turn out as planned. The four Spies involved turn out to be very well-trained, highly charismatic, and extremely good at what they do. This report will hereforth profile each of these four Spies, with intent to highlight potential weaknesses and demonstrate the calibre of our new enemy. My personal recommendation is for immediate liquidation with extreme prejudice. The time to act is now.
-REPORT BEGINS-
The Elusive ManKnown only as “The Food Blog”, the Elusive Man has so far evaded repeated liquidation attempts on his person, and is believed to be in charge of the operation covered in this report. He is suspected to have connections to various paramilitary organisations and is reputed to be funnier than even the author of this report (despite no known instances of cross-dressing). Chooses a Shish Barak, “Middle Eastern style dumpling” adapted with the use of gyoza skin rather than traditional Lebanese dough. Tastes exotic, familiar, svelte, traditional: all at once. Like the man himself, Shish Barak is a triple-bundle of contradictions, an conundrum wrapped in an enigma wrapped in sensual deep-fried gyoza pastry. Might the operations man of the Food Spies ever come in from the cold? According to several reports, the Elusive Man is not of Asian descent, and might thus be outed as a heretic amongst his brethren: this could in fact be useful leverage for a bloodless neutralisation of the conflict.
He may look smiley and jovial, but the Infiltrator (code-name “A Table For Two”) is a colossal force not to be underestimated. Already notorious for his expertise with photographic espionage (the Shooter has so far declined a duel), he takes to the kitchen like a duck to Heston Blumenthal’s kitchen: with disturbingly delicious results. Weapon of choice tonight is Twice-Cooked Pork Belly, resplendent in beetroot sauce with a splash of apple foam. Pork crackling turns out to lack characteristic crackle but Infiltrator pre-empts this and duly apologises to crowd before I can deploy defamatory tools. Tried to fault other aspects of dish – the creamy pork fat, apple foam injected with a thousand pinpricks of delectable electricity, colour scheme of beetroot – but was unable to find any other weakness. Do not let Infiltrator’s penchant for sexual innuendo and boyish charm fool you. Only attempt liquidation with at least two teams as back-up.
Very well-liked and amiable, making liquidation highly problematic in terms of collateral to Shinobi Valley’s reputation should involvement be discovered. Homely code-name of “Citrus and Candy” belies highly honed combat skills which can be deployed with brutal precision at a moment’s notice. Weapon of choice, Beef Cheeks in PX Sherry, is deceptively plain but fills the stomach and warms the senses with its reams of faty veins, slickly cleansing cauliflower purée and general meaty goodness. Highly effective “Comfort Food” which can easily melt the defences of even a battle-hardened ninja. However, Charismatic eats lots of cakes and sweets, providing a potential avenue for poisons like karaage. Liquidate from long range.
If the Charismatic lowers one’s defences, the Closer (code-name “Linda”) is the one to finish off the target. Diminuitive in stature, humble in address, and unstoppable both in a team and as a lone agent. Elegant custom-weapon known as “This and That”, a two-part package made up of Lemon Olive-Oil Ice Cream and Chocolate Cake w/Chocolate Brûlée and Salt; ice-cream slides across the palate with a tangy-metallic sheen of an aftertaste, before chocolate cake heralds a full sensory assault of gooey chocolate and crackling brûlée and the merest zing of saltiness. Very, very effective. By herself, Closer is formidable; when operating with three other Food Spies, liquidation is virtually impossible.
Finally, a quick shout-out to Yas for defecting to Team Shinobi with his iPad light.
-REPORT ENDS-
The Food Bloggers’ Dinner was hosted by Merivale at their soon-to-be-closed Bistro CBD. The Ninja was not a guest of Merivale, and doubts he ever will be.
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