We got barricaded in Shinobi Valley and couldn’t get the teleporter working for most of the week. Back to the usual diet of high-jinks dining and rage next week. With any luck. If we can just figure out who stole the batteries.
No-Knead Bread (adapted from the New York Times, adapted from Jim Lahey)
Time: About 2 hours plus 14 to 20 hours’ rising.
Inventory:
3 cups all-purpose or bread flour, more for dusting
¼ teaspoon instant yeast
1¼ teaspoons salt
Cornmeal or wheat bran as needed. The Ninja used flour instead of either because he wished to save money.
Modus Operandi:
- Obtain a large bowl, free of bloodstains. Combine flour, yeast and salt in bowl. Add 1.625 cups water, free of bloodstains, and stir like a martini except with more force and less inebriation. The dough will be sticky and shaggy, resembling gum or China-made plastic explosives but not the ones which actually explode when you tell them to.
- Leave the dough to rest for 14-18 hours in a warm, dry place free of bloodstains. Entertain self with ninja-worthy pursuits such as sniper practice, architectural destruction or tabletop dancing.
- Dough is ready when the surface is speckled with little bubbles. Lightly flour a bloodstain-free work surface and throw the dough on it; fold the dough in on itself once or twice then quickly wrap the whole thing up in a ball until it resembles a floury cowpat. Remember, presentation is everything!
- Coat bloodstain-free tea-towel (not a terry-towel, nor a beach towel) in flour, cornmeal or wheat bran (for sexy presentation). Place dough seam-side down on towel, then sprinkle with more flour, cornmeal or whatever grainy substance you have acquired. Throw another towel on top (or fold the edges of your first towel to cover the top) and leave for two hours. Dough is ready when puffed up like a pufferfish full of helium and/or rage.
- Half an hour before dough is ready, pre-heat oven to 220 degrees Celsius and clear of last victims’ remains. Place large heavy pot (cast iron, enamel, Pyrex or Element Zero) in the oven before you turn it on, so that it’s hot and ready for the warm loaf which is going to get inserted into its crevices.
- When dough is ready, slide hand under towel, calibrate necessary vectors and flip into pot. Shake and bake: for 30 minutes with the top on, and 15-30 minutes with the top off, or until browned and golden. Remove. Garnish with bloodstains. Serve to hungry minions. Repeat.
Yield: 5-kiloton explosive impact with 2-kilometre irradiation hemisphere a nice loaf of bread.
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Warm regards,